Winter Blockbusters: The Explodables

There are a heap of awesome films coming out soon. Summer season in the northern hemisphere means that the blockbusters are upon us. And I'm hoping to catch quit a few in the coming weeks.

But the first one was not a piece of cinematic brialliance. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time at The Expendables, but it is not chance going to set the world on fire. Even though that is what pretty much happens.

The line up looks like the who's who of 1980s action. Sylvester Stallone directing (that was the first giggle of the afternoon... and co-writing the screenplay! HA!) a bulge* of overly muscled and skin-stretched actors - and I use that term loosely... really I should say celebrities - in a shoot 'em up, blow 'em up, Almost A-Team style renegade bunch of ultra-violent mercinaries.

The storyline is thin indeed. South American dictator, financed by an ex-CIA slimy suit. Up against this band of merry men. The said Stallone script is less than thin - something closer to entirely implausible, ridiculous and farcical. Of course, the action-man one liner is there. And me, I love a great action one liner. The cheesier the better. But these were simultaneously the best and worst lines this film had to offer.

Joining Sly in this hyperbolic adventure is the rollcall of action stars. Jason Statham, Jet Li, Steve Austin... Mickey Rourke as the tritagonist tattooist... Obe Wan with silver streaks in his hair. Cameos of wrinkled close ups of Bruce Willis AND the Governator... The casting for this film was quite obviously a case of "well, such and such is on board"... "OK, I'll do it then". Watching the wierd skin folds of the overly plasticised Arnie, Sly and Mickey was a little off putting. The collagen in their lips, dressed in their all-too plucked facial hair made watching them speak a little bit like seeing fleshy, pink catepillars wriggle about on someone's face. They even look sillier than Meg "Fishlips" Ryan. And that is saying something!!!

Of course the highlight of the film was the set pieces. Car chases with improbable twists and turns. Bullet riddled fight scenes with baddies who can't seem to land a shot. Explosions aplenty from makeshift and improvised petrol bombs. The crunching of a broken neck in hand to hand combat. The crimson splatter of self-armed warheads ripping through flesh.

The low points... I don't really want to dwell on them to be honest. If I focus too long on what was shitty about the film, then I might lose that glow of fun and giggles. Shithouse acting. Rubbish script. And the fact the the females in the film (and there were ONLY two) were damsels in distress, requiring Statham and Stallone to swoop in and save them. I mean, as Sparky told me, I can't really expect anything less, considering the geneology of a film such as this. But considering this is the 21st century, I kidded myself into expecting just a tad more.

Plus the jokes at Jet Li's expense - his accent, his height, his Asian-ness - were pretty lame too.

I'm hoping that Salt and Tomorrow When The War Began live up to the Summer Blockbuster Dream a little better. But most of all, I'm looking forward to Scott Pilgrim vs The World!!!

*Here I go again, inventing fantastic collective nouns. I think that A bulge of action stars is a perfect collective noun!!