Things That Shit Me About Captain America

Yes, comic book films are not meant to be High Art. Yes, they are generally the schlock that Hollywood rolls out to bring in some guaranteed coin. Yes, the scripts are usually fill-in-the-blanks, predictable drivel to tie together the action packed set pieces.

But I love them.

Usually.

Captain A-Meh-rica however, kind of gave me the shits.

Here's why:

1. The "Yay" America Attitude.
Yes, I was prepared for it. I mean, it IS in the title after all. But I wasn't prepared enough to not let it shit me. And yes, there are a few token characters from other countries, flung against the Nazis and their suped up uber-scientists. But they are pretty tokenistic.

2. The Historical Inaccuracies
I'm not really a stickler for History. Making things entirely Realistic or True is not necessarily what I am all about. I LOVED Inglourious Basterds. Fantasy & SciFi stuff makes me happy. The X-Men franchise is totaly not plausible, but I have so much love for it. And I have no problem with scientific divisions of the military creating super soldiers with serums and rocks that wield the power of the Gods.
But I have great issues with the portrayal of women at the front line of WWII.
Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) is smoking hot. 1940s lips and hair to die for. Pencil skirts that make me wish I had hips like that. Great dialogue, and a kick arse attitude. And I could almost believe that she was an intelligence agent. I could almost believe she was working behind the scenes to bring about the downfall of the Nazis. But it really shat me when she was firing off a machine gun in the advancing line, next to commanding officer Tommy Lee Jones with other soldiers dissolving into blue sparks beside her. Completely naff and disrupting.

3. Derivative to a point of vomitous

I realise in this post-modern context we all live in that nothing is original any more. Every new piece of art (did you know comic-book films are art?) comes from somewhere else. Another Marvel film is always going to be saturated with enough intertextuality to sink a MAD Magazine, especially when it is set to be part of a whole series of Avengers films. So I am aware that OF COURSE this film was never going to be a stand alone piece.

But I think they took it too far.

When making an alterno-fantasy about battling the Nazis, it is difficult not to lean towards Raiders of the Lost Ark. And in Star Wars, when George Lucas named the Empire soldiers after the German Stormtroopers, he really did twist up the ideas of fantasy and history. Director Joe Johnston just had to make his Nazi Hydra Soldiers look like blackfaced Star Wars style Storm Troopers, and Boba Fett's your uncle... Bad guys!

A shot for shot recreation of the pena-climactic chase sequence from Return of the Jedi, however, was completely surplus to requirement.. The coathanger rope to knock the bad guy down? Check. Left some surprise explodey things behind to blow the next bad guy up? Check. Two dudes on very fast motorbikey things trying to overtake through the scrub in the other lane? Check. I thought at any moment the Ewoks were about to jump out and help.

 

4. Bobble Head SFX

I think it was kind of cool that the film included a pre-buff Chris Evans, before super powers, super strength and super cut abs. But seeing his enormous head on his tiny body through the wonders of CGI just made me disconcerted. I mean, supporting that weight would cause some serious neck strain.

5. The lack of attention to the AMAZING support cast.

Yeah, Chris Evans, chiseled jaw, rippling muscles, blah blah.

What about Dominic Cooper?! Huh? He of History Boys and The Duchess fame. Casting wise, he is pretty perfect for a Robert Downey Jr Daddy. Suave, cocky, liable to make mistakes and not admit them. But where was his dialogue? Where was his screen time?  Give me Cooper over Evans ANY day.

And Our Hugo? Weaving is the antagonist, and he plays the sociopath like an expert indeed. But there just wasn't enough opportunity for us to see it.

But the biggest tragedy of the cutting room/story editing has to be Stanley Tucci. I love him. I have loved him forever. Not in a want-to-jump-his-bones kind of way, but in a could-watch-him-forever kind of way. As a character actor, he is so versatile. Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream. The husband in Julie & Julia. The dad in Easy A. The tragic clown in The Devil Wears Prada. But my all time favourite Stanley Tucci film is The Imposters. Farcical hilarity, with Oliver Platt & Billy Connolly. But I digress.

Surely with a character as complex as Dr Abraham Erskine, escaping the Nazis to use his scientific formula for the good guys instead, could have been given more of a role? I know, the Hero needs the motivation to rage against the enemy, but... I don't need to offer solutions to my whinges do I?

Unfortunately, we didn't stick around to see the teaser for the next Avengers film at the end of the final credits. I've heard it's special, and I probably should have made the time for it, but I was so blerged out by
the whole film, I thought it time to go.

Only see this if you... plan on seeing the next ones? Iron Man it ain't.

BoDra... On A Friday???

Subtitle: It's met its match


Yes, yes, I know the Bonnet Drama's place is reserved for Sunday night, but they are bringing back Inspector Frenchface in my chosen ABC timeslot. This would be my unimpressed face.

And seeing as I am working down at the Boy Factory tomorrow, I felt the need to do something to fill some beautiful and rare hours of solitude. So I hired The Duchess.

I have never been the biggest fan of Keira Knightly. She is a bit too pouty and shouty for my liking. Her posh accent and complete absence of boobs does not endear her in the slightest. Give me a Portman or a Johannsen any day of the week.

And then there is her jaw. In a previous place of employment, I was arguing about the extreme size of KK's jaw, and as proof turned to Google (how did arguements get solved before???) to find that someone had written a BLOG by KK's jaw. The link of http://keiraknightleysjaw.com/ still exists, but it no longer contains the musings and diary entries of the lower part of KK's face.


Seriously, it is huge.

A discussion of her jaw, its size and angle QUITE SERIOUSLY also appears on a site that describes itself as "A site for square jaw women admirers, at last !!" (seriously, who lets these people on the internet?? ). So the accusations squared at me (pun entirely intended) about my unfeasible obsession with the Pirate's Girlfriend's jaw are supported by other internet based lunatics. Which, come to think of it, seems to be a less-than-solid defence for my own sanity, but let us move on.

The Duchess was as expected, a bodicy tale of a young woman born out of time. A woman of as great an influence as could be in those days. And quite the 17th century fashionista. With the tiny waist, the bustle and the 2 foot wig with another 4 foot of feather on top... Wayne Cooper's bean poles wouldn't have the strength! The spesh features tell me that this particular Duchess of Devonshire (I have felt like eating scones all night!) was quite the tabloid celeb in her time. The story was a mite predictable, what with the arranged marriage, and the manners, and the domineering mother, and the greasy philandering husband.

And of course there is the delicious affair that she has, going against Hubby Ralph and Too-Tighted-Corseted Mother. She not so secretly snogs him in the park, then romps around Bath leaving The Duke with his Mistress back in London.

Her little bit on the side, destined from the opening scene is the very scrummy Dominic Cooper, playing the soon-to-be PM. Not to go all Antonia Quirkey actor man obsessive, but he is more than a little bit yummy. Since History Boys. Mmmh. (He just might have to be my next Video Ezy Stalking Victim. Note To Self)
Hmmm.

But again, I digress!

Throughout the film, I was trying to get emersed and lose myself in the storyline, but all I kept thinking (aside from 'where are this woman's boobs??) was "has her jaw gotten smaller?". Maybe Keira was born out of time too. Maybe she was meant to be living in the 1650s, with the giant wigs and headpieces that balance out her face. Turns out, when KK has on 5 foot of fake hair, her jaw looks like its in proportion!